It's My Time To Laugh!

This was written just minutes after the Los Angeles Clippers came back from down 31 points in the third quarter to beat the Golden State Warriors on April 16th, 2019, IN ORACLE ARENA. Be warned, this piece is riddled with profanity, as it was written in the heat of the moment by a dedicated fan.

I’m writing this to all eight of my fellow Los Angeles Clippers fans out there, and I’m also doing so for the sake of my friends who I’ve so cruelly subjected to my rants about the team over the past few weeks.

This sh*t is just so f*cking funny.

My roommate is a Sixers fan, which I don’t really have any problem with. We go to the University of Oregon, where a disproportionately-sizable population of NBA-watchers are Warriors “fans.” As long as he, too, hates Golden State, that’s fine by me.

When my phone buzzed on a late Tuesday night that February, I screamed. Tobias Harris and Boban Marjanovic (Mike Scott too, sorry) were Clippers favorites among the nine of us fans. I was heartbroken. My roommate, the Sixers fan, was elated, of course. And for the first time I did think, ‘Yeah, f*ck the Sixers.’ But my heart stays with Tobi.

That being said, I saw that the Clippers front office was bolstering the team for a bright future. What I didn’t see, however, was how bright the NOW would be. The next two months leading up to the NBA Playoffs were a rollercoaster of hilarity.

I couldn’t help but be distracted during Valentine’s Day dinner with my girlfriend, a behavior that I am still honestly ashamed of myself for exhibiting, as Landry Shamet (of all people) led the greatest comeback in franchise history. And it was against the Celtics, a group who I, like any conscious human being, hate. AND – literally and – it was Shamet's debut for the team.

Since then, I’ve enjoyed this team – a group of basketball con artists – more than any Clippers team before. Very much so including the Lob City years, when my 11-year old self became infatuated with Blake Griffin because I felt so honored to share his name.

The 9th inning slide that dropped the magical Clippers to 8th in the West, however, killed me. Because the Warriors are still the Warriors and The Snake is still a snake.

(Until July 10th, of course, which is the day I predict The Snake will fly down to L.A. to sign himself a new contract. If not him, then perhaps the stone-cold Kawhi Leonard. And, by all means, I don’t mean with the Lakers.)

I never turned off Game 2 as things began to play out as everyone thought they would. In dramatic fashion, nonetheless. I did not shed a tear when The Mouthguard nailed an unnecessary three in the final seconds of the first half to bring the lead to 23. I yelled some things, but no tears were shed.

I prepared myself a small, modest dinner as the game played on my television in the background. My expectations were low, and like the eight other fans out there, I was pretty happy with how the season played out. Nobody would be disappointed by a Warriors first-round sweep. They swept Lebron James, for god’s sake.

I sat down back in front of the screen as the lead had now hopelessly inflated to 31. (LOL, what happens next, Griffin? I’ve got you all on the edge of your seats, I bet. What’s gonna—) The Snake laughed in Beverley’s face as he and The Mouthguard made their way to the bench to maniacally laugh in a comfortable seated position.

Lou Will didn’t give a f*ck, though. He, and the mighty, mighty JaMychal Green led the charge as they patiently started to chip away at the Warriors’ scrubby bench lineup (which would honestly be pretty good, if they let Shaun Livingston find his shot on the baseline more often, but it’s not my job to tell them that).

30 minutes later I'm losing my mind. It's an 11- point game in the 4th quarter. Because, yes, that margin in this situation against this team is basically what classifies as a close game. Steve Kerr, who had to be woken up and reminded by somebody, maybe in the crowd perhaps, that he was a “coach,” had kept The Snake and The Mouthguard out of the battle for too long.

Pat Beverley and Lou Will were now relentlessly bullying the World Champs. It appeared that the two apparently run on an unlimited supply of renewable energy, perhaps something that we as a society should do more research into given our current battle with climate change and fossil fuels.

Gallinari drilled a corner three, making it an eight-point game with just over six minutes left. As the shot fell from the net, The Mouthguard, visibly shaken, seemed to have trouble catching the ball, as if it didn’t have his approval to be touched. In my heart in this moment I felt there was literally zero chance the Warriors win this game. Even when The Fraud flopped to foul Beverley out of the game, I felt as if Oracle Arena was on the verge of collapsing faster than the f*cking Roman Empire.

Lou Will sliced through the Warriors defense like a lightsaber through single-ply toilet paper. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, perhaps my favorite Clippers draft pick since my namesake, did the same. And Landry Shamet – again with this guy – plunged the dagger into the heart of each and every “fan” in the building. Right in front of a seated Draymond Green, nonetheless.

I’m sure they all went home and cried for hours in front of their Baron Davis posters and prayed to Mark Jackson that this would never happen agai—

No, that didn’t happen. Because who is Baron Davis? Who is that? Mark Jack-who? What?

^^2019 Warriors fans when they read this.

No, the loss didn’t mean sh*t to the Warriors. They’d still win the series in five (or, as it turned out, six), no matter how SportsCenter framed it.

So, let us all rejoice in this victory. A 31-point comeback on the road against the 2-time defending champions is incredible. It’s literally unprecedented. The Clippers scored 72 points in the final 19.5 minutes of Game 2, out of f*cking nowhere. In Oracle Arena, nonetheless.

And it wasn’t a fluke, it was something destined to happen since the moment the Tobias era ended.

It doesn’t matter what anyone calls us. It doesn’t matter if they call us pathetic, or if we’re somehow the worst 8-seed in NBA history, as if seeds 5-8 in the East don’t f*cking suck.

Like seriously, the Clippers could end the Thunder in five. Spurs would be tough. Jazz would get swept. And any of those East teams would get mixed.

Face that reality, NBA fans. Don’t be so damn naïve, it’s not a good look.

So, in July, when The Snake puts on that Clippers jersey, we can all start calling him Kevin Durant again.

And to all other major free agents not named Demarcus Cousins, you’re welcome to come check out the better side of Los Angeles.

Whether you all like it or not, we’re the next dynasty. But in the next five years, LAC is getting a damn ring.

For the record, the Clippers ended up signing Kawhi Leonard in the 2019 offseason, not Kevin Durant. I would like to note, however, that I predicted Kevin Durant would be signed on July 10th. That ended up being the EXACT DAY that Kawhi, not KD, signed with the Clippers. So I'm giving myself partial credit.

On a sadder note, we did in fact lose SGA in order to finagle Paul George. Perhaps a necessary maneuver, but one that devastated me as a fan of Shai's talent and overall coolness.

Montrezl Harrell and Pat Beverley seconds after the final buzzer in Oakland. Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

#basketball #profanity #clippers #warriorssuck